Our Swiss Adventure - The Hotels
First and foremost, let me introduce myself. If you're new here, hi! I'm 'A' and I've recently re-branded myself as the Eccentric Adventurer, but I've been posting travel content for the past ten years. I'm UK-based but US-born so often you'll hear an interesting mish-mash of slang, terms, and verbiage from both continents so ye be warned. I'm a proud Millennial that enjoys gardening, photography, travelling, learning languages and writing. You'll also hear mention of 'C', my adorable partner in crimes against humanity. Together we travel around the world and take in all this beautiful blue and green orb has to offer.
Recently, C and I went on a quick little jaunt across the continent to visit the land of cheese and chocolate: Switzerland. Now, to get there we decided to hoof it in C's little black car, so off to Dover we went. We then stayed a night in Dover, took the ferry to Calais, then hopped around France a couple of days before settling in Grindelwald. We then popped into France once more on the way home.
The hotels I'll be reviewing will be in sequential order, meaning I'll be reviewing them in the order I arrived at them. With the tidal wave of "influencers" on the internet these days, it's usually very difficult finding non-biased, factual information on travel destinations that aren't perfectly curated for the infamous algorithm.
Well I don't give a cow's left udder about clicks, impressions, algorithms or view counts - I just tell it like it is. I'm a straight shooter. If I like something, I'll tell you. If I didn't like something, I'll tell you that too. What sets me apart from most writers is my ability to see things from the other side, which I'll explain at some point (if I remember). Plus, it should also be noted that I am most certainly a woman of size. I'm a big 'ol girl. Oh lawd she comin' type thing. Basically, I'm the one you fear most if you're sat on an airplane with an empty seat next to you. But I'm not here to talk about "body positivity" or "fatphobia" or any number of popular terms on the internet. I know what I am and I know how I'm perceived to the majority of the world. How you think about me, and people like me, ain't my business.
But what I will do is report on how accommodating places are with regards to people of size. I will never expect every place to consider people of size, but the sad fact of the matter is part of the world (namely the United States and United Kingdom) is very quickly becoming populated with much, much larger people than you'd have expected even a decade ago, and the travel industry should sit up and take note considering how lucrative places like those are in terms of spending on travel.
Another thing I'll report on is how accommodating places are in terms of neuro-sensitivity. I'm a fan of the term neuro-spicy, but if you're not - that's okay! I am particularly 🌶🌶🌶 though so I'll talk about my thoughts on how accommodations either facilitate or fall short for those that may be on the spectrum.
Each hotel will have certain important categories judged on a diamond 💎scale. One diamond means deplorable and five diamonds means excellent. I will also go more in to depth on certain aspects of the room to justify each diamond rating.
Please note: we did not try the breakfasts included with any of the properties mentioned, so we won't be using them in scoring.
With that over and done with - let's jump into the hotels!
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| Photo courtesy of Maison Dieu Guest House |
Maison Dieu Guest House
Dover, England
Located a stone's throw from the Port of Dover, Maison Dieu Guest House is a quaint bed and breakfast that doesn't break the bank. For one night in June we paid £110 for Room 4 and overall the experience was good. The room itself was well appointed with two double beds and a lovely view overlooking the gardens and Dover castle. While not air conditioned, the room's window did provide much needed relief from the summer heat and there was a fan available to use also. The bathroom was of a good size, at least for the UK, but the shower was on the small side and needed re-sealing as the bottom of the shower had dark circles of mould, either from an active culture or what remained after a bleaching. In either event it made the shower seem less than hygienic.
Room - 💎💎💎💎
The decor is outdated and reminiscent of your nan's house, but it does the job. Getting up and down the stairs for this room can be a bit of a challenge for some, but if you're reasonably fit you'll do just fine. This room would definitely not be considered accessible, though.
Bed - 💎
Both mattresses are old, lumpy and springy. Only recommended for those who can literally sleep on anything.
Bathroom - 💎💎💎
Oddly arranged and a bit dingy. The light isn't above the mirror and there's no where to set your wash bag except on the back of the toilet. Square toilet also, but not the worst square toilet I've come across. Small shower and appears grungy due to the mould.
Location - 💎💎💎💎💎
You're minutes from the White Cliffs and the Port of Dover, plus there are many walkable restaurants nearby, plus the pier. Don't let the proximity to the port fool you, however. Queues begin over an hour before last entry onto the ferry so plan accordingly.
Parking - 💎💎💎💎
There is parking for 3-4 vehicles dependent on size, however the "lot" is painted in such a way that makes it seem like you could fit more. Trust me, 3-4 is the maximum unless you're all riding motorbikes. Once the lot is full, you'll most likely need to access the entrance to the property via the neighbours drive which feels inappropriate but the host encourages it.
Staff - 💎💎💎
Most reviews seem to indicate that this is a one-woman operation. The host, Sandra, was fine. She honestly pinged my neuro-spicy radar something fierce, but I've been known to be wrong. She seemed uncomfortable when welcoming us as we weren't provided with anything close to an exuberant, "warm" welcome, but she gave us the important details, showed us to our room, told us the best place to eat, then left us to our own devices. Honestly, I rather prefer that most of the time. The only thing that irked spicy me was the fact that I was told to use the neighbours drive to enter and exit the front of the house after I'd already done so, and after she'd already seen me do it.
Accessibility - This would not be considered a disability friendly accommodation as there are steps to traverse to get inside. For a person of size, this accommodation was adequate except for the shower block which was small. I am currently a size 26 UK and I fit reasonably well, but anyone larger would struggle. If stairs are a concern, possibly contact the property ahead of time and arrange for a room on one of the lower floors if available.
Overall property rating - 💎💎💎
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| Photo courtesy of Spa du Sorcier |
Spa du Sorcier
Metz, France
Nestled just outside the charming town of Metz in the north of France, not far from the Luxembourg border, you'll find a hidden gem that genuinely doesn't look like much from the street. Lovingly dedicated to Harry Potter fans and fantasy addicts alike, Le Spa du Sorcier is a fantastically whimsical experience. Chock-a-block with details and designs, trinkets, props, thingamajigs and so forth, the well appointed self accommodation sleeps 2 comfortably with possible room on the couch should you need it. The home consists of a large four poster bed (complete with a projector to watch movies), a large walk in shower, a separate enclosed toilet, a small kitchenette complete with a coffee maker and kettle for tea, a small mini-fridge with several complimentary drinks included, a microwave, and, of course, a large four-person hot tub. At £157.40 per night, the cost seemed quite reasonable for the accommodation style, however there 's always room for improvement. Whilst the home was very clean and tidy, we did find it difficult to maneuver around without breaking anything - which is precisely why the homeowners insist on a large deposit. The downside was we weren't alerted to the deposit by Booking.com and were contacted before our stay saying that if we didn't pay the deposit soon, the whole booking would be cancelled. Luckily for us, we managed to not smash anything (although there may have been at least one close call) and the deposit (which was equal to nearly three nights' stay) was eventually returned to us.
The only other thing that irked us slightly was the whole rigamarole of "wash the dishes, take out the bins, put the trash in the correct bins" etc. Just before our stay we were sent a rather large document created using Canva that we needed to peruse. Thankfully, we were easily able to translate the document from French to English using the app. In the document, besides the "how-to's" of the home, were the terms and conditions outlining cleaning up after ourselves or we wouldn't get the deposit back in full. Considering that Airbnb hosts have come under intense scrutiny for charging exorbitant cleaning fees and still expecting the guests to clean, you'd think that hosts would temper their demands. Hotels include all the fees in the cost of the room and we're not expected to clean up after ourselves after a stay. It's one thing if the room gets trashed. By all means, withhold the deposit in that instance! But saying you won't give back someone's money because they left a few bits of rubbish in the bins is, in my opinion, extreme.
Still, the home was very nice. Plus it had air conditioning which made it much more comfortable, especially at night. The door lock was a trick and a half, though. I don't put much faith in electronic locking systems and this one really tried our patience.
Room - 💎💎💎💎💎
You literally cannot say a bad thing about the home. Everything was immaculately clean and the attention to detail was impressive.
Bed - 💎💎💎💎💎
The bed was large, comfortable and very on-par for a 5-star rated hotel. There were blankets provided should you need them and I'm certain if you needed more pillows, the host would have been happy to provide.
Bathroom - 💎💎💎💎
The bathroom was divided into a toilet closet, a shower block and the sink. The ornamentation on the sink (in this case a frog) made it slightly difficult to turn on the water. In the toilet closet, the hook where the toilet paper hung was tilted at an angle so that any bump sent the toilet paper rolling around the floor. In the shower block, the water did not stay heated for very long, so long, luxurious showers were a no-no.
Location - 💎💎💎💎
Although the booking websites claim the accommodation is only "5 minutes from Metz", in reality it's around 15 minutes by car. There are no real restaurants in the immediate area of the home, however there are a few take away places if you fancy a kebab or pizza. There is a park within easy walking distance, but to do any real shopping or sightseeing you'd need to drive or catch a bus into town.
Parking - 💎💎💎💎
Alongside the home is a narrow alley that leads to a small parking area for the homes in the immediate vicinity. You get your own parking spot for the home, but only one, and make sure it's the exact spot described in the literature or you may risk upsetting the neighbours. Please also be mindful that there is a metal "bollard" that will be in the "down" position for your stay. Drive with care as the bollard has some sharp bits that could potentially puncture your tyre.
Staff - 💎💎💎💎💎
Depending on when you arrive, there may be a young man (the host) to greet you and show you around the home. We had to push back our arrival a couple of times and each time the host said that he'd meet us at the new time. If you're happy to speak with the host and be given a tour, then fab. For those introverted types who just want to type in a keypad and be done with it, this experience won't be for you. Chris (I believe his name was) will show you around and tell you how to work everything even though they'll have sent you a very detailed Canva PDF before your stay. Still, the extra care exudes a pride about the home and you can't fault that. Side note: If you end up staying here, watch how he locks and unlocks the door very closely. Trust me.
Accessibility - The accommodation is not perfectly level, however if you have any mobility devices besides a wheelchair (Zimmer frame, crutches, etc.) then you should be fine. Whilst you could possibly use a manual wheelchair in this home (with assistance), I would definitely not recommend it. You have limited space to turn around and there are knick-knacks and items literally everywhere.
For those on the spectrum, this place will either dazzle or completely overwhelm you. I would suggest thoroughly looking over the photos first before deciding to come here. There were no strange smells or weird lighting issues, although, and I cannot emphasise this enough, having to pick the toilet roll off the floor every five minutes was very annoying. Host - please adjust the angle so it's not falling all the time!
For anyone over 300 lbs/ 136 kgs - I would caution against using the steps into the spa. They are made of plastic and clearly not rated for larger people. Also be mindful that you are surrounded by items: either something on a shelf, bolted to the wall or on the floor is there waiting to trip you up or knock itself over. Be mindful!
Overall property rating - 💎💎💎💎½
Chateau R
Wettolsheim, France
With that said, Chateau R was still taking guests, but the restaurant was closed which was very sad for us as the menu looked lovely. The hotel was also dead. The car park was deserted. We could have parked deliberately wonky and no-one would have cared because no-one was there.
The hotel itself was surrounded by vineyards on three sides with the entrance facing towards the small commune of Wettolsheim. To the south you'd stumble upon the idyllic village of Eguisheim, a popular area to explore just outside of Colmar.
Despite the holiday closures, the hotel was very charming, yet slightly bizarre. The wallpaper lining the walls could only be described as glam-goth, and the walls once you stepped into the room were loudly tropical. The room itself was humungous, easily the largest square footage on the trip, but there were some odd choices as well. Our room was in one of the towers facing the main entrance. The view was impeccable, but you couldn't help wonder at the layout inside.
Surely the oddly laid out sofa and tables would have been better arranged facing the tower wall with a projector inside so you could watch movies? You'll see what I mean in the below photo, but I can't help but feel they're missing a trick and under utilizing their space.
The biggest upsides were the location and bed, and the biggest downsides were the Wi-Fi and square toilet. I've not given Wi-Fi it's own separate rating system, but perhaps I should have. Needless to say, despite my best efforts, I was not able to connect to the internet our entire stay simply because my phone (an older Samsung) refused to find the router. My partner was able to find it fine using his Pixel. Being that he could connect and I couldn't, I had to chock it up to my lack of technical prowess and not the hotel being weird.
Also...square toilet. I hate square toilets. My ass is not rectangular!
Room - 💎💎💎💎💎
The wallpaper is odd, no doubts there, but the room itself was very spacious. Ours was the Suite with Garden View. The Wi-Fi was the huge downside to this hotel.
Bed - 💎💎💎💎💎
The website labels it an "extra-large double bed" but it might as well have been a California King. It was huge. Very, very comfortable, especially with the air conditioning behind you on the back wall.
Bathroom - 💎💎💎
The bathroom really let this room down. The toilet is separate from the shower, but the sink is separate too. So heaven forbid you need to wash your hands directly after using the toilet; you're wobbling around trying not to touch anything as you hobble to the sink. Oh, and did I mention the toilet is square? Horrible.
Location - 💎💎💎💎
If the restaurant were accessible anytime the hotel was open, frankly it'd have been a perfect five diamonds. Sadly we had to drive into Colmar for our evening meal (which wasn't a bad thing at all - Colmar is beautiful) but we'd have really loved to eat at the hotel. There are several wineries within easy walking distance but only one other restaurant which I don't believe was open either. Still, within easy driving distance to Colmar and the rest of the Alsace region, this hotel is optimally located.
Parking - 💎💎💎💎💎
We were spoilt for choice in terms of parking. Even if the hotel was full I'm sure we'd have had an easy time parking. Well over a hundred spots to choose from and all of a decent size.
Staff - 💎💎💎💎💎
If you know French, use it. Our lovely receptionist knew enough English to get us where we needed to go and to converse with us, but you could tell she'd rather speak French. She was polite, cheerful and everything you could want in hotel staff.
Accessibility - To get into the hotel you have to cross a bunch of gravel which can be cumbersome for some, but the hotel does have a lift (elevator) that you can use. The rooms are relatively large and the Booking.com website indicates there are facilities for disabled guests. Our room was not an accessible room.
For persons of size, the only bugbear would be the horrid square toilet, otherwise I believe you'd be fine in this place. The bed was sturdy and so were the other chairs. The shower was large and could accommodate someone much larger than myself.
Apartment Chalet Auf dem Vogelstein
Grindelwald, Switzerland
If you're looking for peace and tranquility - you've found it. On the outskirts of the incredibly popular mountain town of Grindelwald you'll find a lovely self accommodation - for the price. Indeed, Switzerland's reputation for being pricey is not without merit. Most places for three full nights would cost us well over £1,000, but not this little gem. We stayed for three nights in June and paid just over £175 per night which, in case you couldn't tell, was a bargain. The trade off was the flies. Yes, you read that right. Flies.
It was bad enough that we had no idea there'd be so many flying nuisances until we arrived, but the fact the apartment owners didn't give us anything to combat the pesky things really rubbed us the wrong way. We tried to find fly swatters but nowhere had any.
All night we had to suffer with them flying around our heads, landing on our limbs - it was horrible. Also, you really do need a fan for this apartment. The owners do not provide one and it can get very warm at night especially if there is no breeze.
The upsides are the views. The Jungfrau region is known worldwide for it's stunning mountains and picturesque lakes and waterfalls, and for the price you can't really beat the location of this self-catered accommodation.
Hôtel Aux Vieux Remparts
Provins, France
I really do feel for the hotels that came after Grindelwald. Sadly, no matter how glorious they were to be, they'd pale in comparison to the beauty which is Switzerland.
With that said, the Hôtel Aux Vieux Remparts in Provins was beautiful and comfortable, albeit the parking situation was helter-skelter.
By this time the weather had turned very warm. We found ourselves in the car with no air conditioning on Friday the 13th, already an ill omen. It didn't help that we had to drive over six hours from Grindelwald to Provins with the bleakest fields imaginable for scenery. When we did blessedly reach Provins, the parking was a nightmare. Once learning the hotel did in fact have parking, finding that was a nightmare. The roads are all one-way and if you blinked, you missed the turn. After much trial and error we did finally locate the car park and wonder upon wonders, there was only one single space remaining and we took it.
The room was clean, nicely spaced and had a lovely view of a large tree and many flower pots. The bathroom was excellent. The toilet was a normal shape and was largely tiled. The shower was large and the water hot with good pressure. The air conditioning in the room was very cool and refreshing after a long, hot drive.
Downstairs there is a bar stroke restaurant and despite looking a bit grim from the long car ride, we were cheerfully offered tables. There were language barriers but the staff did their best (and so did we) and eventually we all had gorgeous food and drinks. It was expensive, though, not gonna lie.
The hotel also features a one-of-a-kind spa that we sadly completely neglected to look at, let alone use, but have a look at the hotel's website to get an idea! We spent £112.50 on the one night and I think it was a steal.
Sadly, we missed the Provins annual medieval festival by a mere day, which probably accounted for the cheap room rate. I reckon the prices would be at least double that for the two days the festival goes on.
Les Béthunoises Spa & Grand-Place
Béthune, France
After Provins, we journeyed through quaint little villages to the town of Béthune. It's smaller than Metz and not nearly as touristy, and we thought it was in need of a little love, but we had the opportunity to dine on "French Tacos" which, as it were, weren't actually tacos at all. C'est la vie.
The hotel wasn't horrible to find, but parking was manic. Turns out there was a huge car park across the street that we simply didn't notice, and not for lack of trying. We instead parked about 1/4 a mile away in an underground car park which, frankly, seemed the safest option in hindsight.
What can I say about this "hotel"? Well, for starters, it's not a hotel. There's no restaurant or dining of any kind. There's a few small continental items downstairs in the mornings but nothing substantial. The majority of the accommodation is communal, from the lobby to the spa, which, based on the size of the accommodation, felt more hostel-like than any true hotel. Plus, after a certain time, there are no staff on site. So, if you need anything, no you don't.
When we arrived we were again very tired and very, very sweaty. It was another scorcher of a day and like the previous day, no A/C. Which was why we were looking forward to this place so much!
After awkwardly collecting the keys from an outside lockbox, we lugged our items upstairs (no lift) and then were greeted by a cool (not cold) room. No A/C. Near the middle of June, in France, inland, at the highest level, and no A/C.
I took a shower, he took a bath, and we proceeded to share an oscillating fan that had been found in the wardrobe.
When night fell, the breeze stopped entirely and the room became an oppressive heat chamber. Windows wide open did nothing to dispel the cloying, thick air and the rains, which began in the wee hours of the morning, only seemed to attract the local drunks and ruffians. I was awoken several times by shouting, cursing, glass breaking and general drunken tom-foolery from the nearly deserted street below.
Needless to say I barely slept and I was miserable the next morning. Thankfully, the rains seemed to dissipate the humidity somewhat and the next day proved more tolerable.
We paid £125.60 for the night at this...place. Honestly, I think the stars were mis-aligned during this particular stay. I'm sure in Autumn or Spring the accommodation is a much nicer experience.
Large. The room was large and interesting to look at, but it was not very functional or really that comfortable. There was a couch, but it was off centre from the television so watching TV from it was uncomfortable. The windows were awkward and you needed to actually use the curtains in order to keep them open. No A/C in an "industrial" style room was certainly a bold choice. The room was unique and fun, but it missed a lot of opportunities to be truly described as comfortable. Also, whilst the small mini-fridge did seem to work, it was honestly pathetic at cooling anything and you'd have been better served wrapping your items to be chilled in a towel and soaking them in cold water from the tap.
Although quite large, the bed was lumpy and not very comfortable. The pillows provided were stiff and the duvet far too thick for the heat.
A larger bathroom that most, the toilet was separate and down the hall from the rest of the facilities which, frankly, is gross. Not having a sink and soap in with the toilet is grim, and yet the majority of accommodations were like this which is baffling. The shower was of a good size once you figured out the taps, but the water pressure was poor, likely from needing a PhD to figure out the taps. No in-room information was provided to work out the taps. The tub was large, though, and fit an over six-foot man well, it just took an age and a day to fill to halfway.
There are staff during the daytime hours, but once 5pm hits you're SOL. Frankly, this approach is idiotic. There are rarely going to be guests in the accommodation during the day. Why would you not staff the building when the bulk of your guests will be there? We briefly viewed a member of staff when we arrived, and then they disappeared almost immediately. We never saw anyone in the building when we left early the next morning.